Seventeen Years of Zen
There, I said it. I have been doing sitting meditation for the last seventeen years. I still can not pluck flowers from thin air or make a room full of people dance or levitate. I know that these people exist. I also know that they were trying to teach the others a lesson when they did these things that seemed to defy the natural laws, as we perceive it. I was deeply influenced by the book written by Ram Dass called Journey of Awakening. Indeed what fascinated me about him was that he seemed to be all I wanted to be when he decided to embark on his journey and leave everything and everyone behind. I was then touched by his courage and now I accept it as recognizing his path and walking it with complete abandon.
My journey began when I left home, for the first time, to attend graduate school. I had to cross continents. All of a sudden, I was by myself. There were times when I would be washing the dishes in the laboratory on Friday evenings and thinking "It is early and I could still catch the last bus to go home to my parents", and then I would realize that I actually have to buy the ticket and ride a plane and take a two hour drive from the airport to where they were, deep in the mountains of Quezon.
In high school, I wanted to be Ayn Rand. In college, I wanted to be Marie Curie. In graduate school, having been away from my parents for the first time, I felt lost, alone and unable to cope with the demands of a normal graduate student's life. At least what I thought it should be. If my parents had not instilled in me a deep sense of faith as my anchor, I probably would have died of loneliness, or tried to kill myself. The very same anchor that felt like a collar on my neck when I was growing up was what has allowed me to go on. And then I met my ex husband and I was happy again. And in between then and now, there were so many events that happened enough to fill a book, but what does it really matter now? Happy times are accentuated by sad times. The endless contrast in emotions give it fire and allow us to feel. Our stories are all the same. The names change, the highlights and the lows change, and yet, they are all the same. The human motives that we read about in the bible and even in the Bhagavad Gita are all the same.
It seemed so long ago, so far away and yet, sitting here thinking about all of the circumstances and events that lead me where I am now, I am deeply, deeply grateful, for everything. Looking back, it looks like a movie that never ends. Even our spiritual trips. Our egos delight in all of these fascinating things. I did not experience any of the things that Ram Dass wrote in his books while I sat in meditation, but I have finally come to accept my life as a trip that never ends until I, we, go back to where we started. Running in circles going nowhere. Yes, here I am. I never left.
My journey began when I left home, for the first time, to attend graduate school. I had to cross continents. All of a sudden, I was by myself. There were times when I would be washing the dishes in the laboratory on Friday evenings and thinking "It is early and I could still catch the last bus to go home to my parents", and then I would realize that I actually have to buy the ticket and ride a plane and take a two hour drive from the airport to where they were, deep in the mountains of Quezon.
In high school, I wanted to be Ayn Rand. In college, I wanted to be Marie Curie. In graduate school, having been away from my parents for the first time, I felt lost, alone and unable to cope with the demands of a normal graduate student's life. At least what I thought it should be. If my parents had not instilled in me a deep sense of faith as my anchor, I probably would have died of loneliness, or tried to kill myself. The very same anchor that felt like a collar on my neck when I was growing up was what has allowed me to go on. And then I met my ex husband and I was happy again. And in between then and now, there were so many events that happened enough to fill a book, but what does it really matter now? Happy times are accentuated by sad times. The endless contrast in emotions give it fire and allow us to feel. Our stories are all the same. The names change, the highlights and the lows change, and yet, they are all the same. The human motives that we read about in the bible and even in the Bhagavad Gita are all the same.
It seemed so long ago, so far away and yet, sitting here thinking about all of the circumstances and events that lead me where I am now, I am deeply, deeply grateful, for everything. Looking back, it looks like a movie that never ends. Even our spiritual trips. Our egos delight in all of these fascinating things. I did not experience any of the things that Ram Dass wrote in his books while I sat in meditation, but I have finally come to accept my life as a trip that never ends until I, we, go back to where we started. Running in circles going nowhere. Yes, here I am. I never left.
