How Do I Make The Time Go By While I"m Waiting For Him To Commit?
A lot of the correspondence that I get comes from women who are considering trying to manipulate or convince the man that they love to commit to them right away - or else.
I try to discourage manipulation or ultimatums because not only do they rarely work, but they usually get you further away from the goal that you are trying to achieve.
And even if you think you have succeeded, your relationship is different - and not in a good way.
Occasionally, I hear from people who have considered their options carefully and who have because convinced that trying to convince or strong arm their reluctant significant other into a commitment is going to backfire on them.
When they think about this logically instead of emotionally, they know in their hearts that it is going to be best to just wait for him to decide to willingly commit on his own.
But their biggest challenge has become how to cultivate the patience that is going to be needed in order to carry this out.
Someone might define it this way: "about a year into our relationship, I told my boyfriend very honestly that I wanted to get engaged.
He was honest with me about his reluctance and said he thought that we (and our relationship) was a bit too young and he wanted to be more stable in his career and in our relationship before he married.
He asked me to be patient.
I thought that he was really talking about a matter of months but a year went by.
At this point, I tried giving him an ultimatum and, as a result, I almost lost him.
We were actually broken up for about three months and that was the worst time of my life.
I missed him so much.
I felt like a part of me was missing.
I decided that I never wanted to go through that again so I told him that I could and would be patient.
He told me that he didn't intend to make me wait forever, but that the timing had to be right.
So, I truly am committed to being patient.
But I am finding that saying this and actually doing it are two very different things.
As we approach the wedding season, many of my friends and colleagues are getting married and it always kind of rips my heart out when this happens.
How do I make this time go faster? And do I not get depressed and resentful doing it?" I think that you are very wise to be taking on the mind set that you are.
I hear from so many people who would rather risk their relationship with threats, manipulation, and ultimatums than to be patient and to look at this rationally rather than emotionally.
But I know that carrying this out is hard.
Below are the tips that, from experience, make this a little easier.
Cultivate Yourself And Your Own Best Life: I once heard a very famous mental health specialist tell guests that people who finally get what they want are usually not happy with it unless they were happy with out it (and within themselves) first.
I find this to be absolutely true.
The whole goal of being married is to living happily and harmoniously with someone else for the rest of your life.
You have a much better chance of doing this if you are both emotionally healthy and happy individuals going into it.
Now is the perfect time to really think about and explore what kind of life you want to lead moving forward.
Now is the perfect time to explore what it takes for you to live your best life.
This will make the marriage process much easier (and better) in the end.
And frankly, men are more easily willing to marry a woman who appears to have it all together.
Remind Yourself Of The End Goal: I know that it's sometimes tempting to revert back to old ways when you begin to get impatient.
But when this strikes, remind yourself that you are in this for the long haul and that your goal is to get married when the time is right so that it lasts.
When you think that you will be spending the rest of your life with this person, which is a long time for many of us, then the urgency doesn't make as much sense.
Remind yourself that you want to focus on the relationship more than the timeline and you want to set it up so that you succeed instead of that you rush.
In The Meantime, Strengthen Your Relationship: If you focus on your relationship and not on the outcome or the commitment aspect of it, you will often find that he may want a commitment sooner than you anticipated.
Sometimes, he has some shadow doubts - even if neither of you know this.
But if you can improve and strengthen your relationship, these doubts may be naturally addressed and he may give you your commitment or proposal earlier than anticipated.
And even if this doesn't happen, having the strongest relationship that you can possibly have benefits everyone.
Frankly, even married people should be taking this step.
I try to discourage manipulation or ultimatums because not only do they rarely work, but they usually get you further away from the goal that you are trying to achieve.
And even if you think you have succeeded, your relationship is different - and not in a good way.
Occasionally, I hear from people who have considered their options carefully and who have because convinced that trying to convince or strong arm their reluctant significant other into a commitment is going to backfire on them.
When they think about this logically instead of emotionally, they know in their hearts that it is going to be best to just wait for him to decide to willingly commit on his own.
But their biggest challenge has become how to cultivate the patience that is going to be needed in order to carry this out.
Someone might define it this way: "about a year into our relationship, I told my boyfriend very honestly that I wanted to get engaged.
He was honest with me about his reluctance and said he thought that we (and our relationship) was a bit too young and he wanted to be more stable in his career and in our relationship before he married.
He asked me to be patient.
I thought that he was really talking about a matter of months but a year went by.
At this point, I tried giving him an ultimatum and, as a result, I almost lost him.
We were actually broken up for about three months and that was the worst time of my life.
I missed him so much.
I felt like a part of me was missing.
I decided that I never wanted to go through that again so I told him that I could and would be patient.
He told me that he didn't intend to make me wait forever, but that the timing had to be right.
So, I truly am committed to being patient.
But I am finding that saying this and actually doing it are two very different things.
As we approach the wedding season, many of my friends and colleagues are getting married and it always kind of rips my heart out when this happens.
How do I make this time go faster? And do I not get depressed and resentful doing it?" I think that you are very wise to be taking on the mind set that you are.
I hear from so many people who would rather risk their relationship with threats, manipulation, and ultimatums than to be patient and to look at this rationally rather than emotionally.
But I know that carrying this out is hard.
Below are the tips that, from experience, make this a little easier.
Cultivate Yourself And Your Own Best Life: I once heard a very famous mental health specialist tell guests that people who finally get what they want are usually not happy with it unless they were happy with out it (and within themselves) first.
I find this to be absolutely true.
The whole goal of being married is to living happily and harmoniously with someone else for the rest of your life.
You have a much better chance of doing this if you are both emotionally healthy and happy individuals going into it.
Now is the perfect time to really think about and explore what kind of life you want to lead moving forward.
Now is the perfect time to explore what it takes for you to live your best life.
This will make the marriage process much easier (and better) in the end.
And frankly, men are more easily willing to marry a woman who appears to have it all together.
Remind Yourself Of The End Goal: I know that it's sometimes tempting to revert back to old ways when you begin to get impatient.
But when this strikes, remind yourself that you are in this for the long haul and that your goal is to get married when the time is right so that it lasts.
When you think that you will be spending the rest of your life with this person, which is a long time for many of us, then the urgency doesn't make as much sense.
Remind yourself that you want to focus on the relationship more than the timeline and you want to set it up so that you succeed instead of that you rush.
In The Meantime, Strengthen Your Relationship: If you focus on your relationship and not on the outcome or the commitment aspect of it, you will often find that he may want a commitment sooner than you anticipated.
Sometimes, he has some shadow doubts - even if neither of you know this.
But if you can improve and strengthen your relationship, these doubts may be naturally addressed and he may give you your commitment or proposal earlier than anticipated.
And even if this doesn't happen, having the strongest relationship that you can possibly have benefits everyone.
Frankly, even married people should be taking this step.
