My oldest and dearest friend is dying.
I am here.
She is there.
What I am experiencing is as real as if I were by her bedside holding her hand.
Maybe stronger.
She is in her final physical stages and with her beloved adult children.
I am her as I write.
I am floating, connected to my inert body, but floating still.
I am up, off the bed.
Safe, gently buoyed by the non-existent breeze.
I am very aware that I am both physical and not at the same time.
I am my consciousness drifting in the space.
I play with new forms.
Old forms.
No form.
I am part physical, part spirit.
I seem to be in a process of letting go of you, and of you releasing me, my dear children.
I am lying here in bed, sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.
My body needs rest.
I breathe with effort as you see.
Please don't give me food.
I have no need.
An ice chip or two is better.
I try to eat to make you feel better.
I ask that you forgive me.
Please forgive me for not always understanding you.
For not being the perfect mother.
I tried so hard.
I loved you all so intensely.
I did what I could but I know now it wasn't enough.
I also know there was nothing else I knew how to do.
Please forgive me.
It is all I ask.
There is nothing in you that needs forgiveness.
Love does it all.
I see you all now in the light, your light.
You are so beautiful.
So perfect in all your supposed imperfection.
If only you knew.
Now I see only your beauty, your transparency, each of you a beam of light.
I see who you really are underneath the physical clothes of what we think of as life.
This life is a sometimes delightful, sometimes painful, detour in our journey.
Remember when you first went away to college? There was the excitement of your new adventure tinged with the fear of "what if?" That's where I am now.
I am learning to accept that my body is done.
It's deteriorating with me in it.
It's my time to let go, to move into the next part of my life.
At the same time, both you and I need a little time to acclimate.
I am preparing.
I'm preparing to leave my body.
I am breathing only because I have to.
The process of breathing frightens me.
It yanks me back into the physical to remind me that I am still in a body.
I am still alive.
If only we believed the real truth we would all relax into death and know it is the ultimate blessing.
I am told the time is not quite right yet.
So I continue to breathe, with difficulty.
Are you aware that we have our ideas reversed about death and life? What we think of as physical, the living with a body, is in some ways the dead experience.
What we think of as death, living minus our bodies, is really the alive experience.
I am not looking forward to leaving you behind, but I am looking forward to the freedom of living without pain, without judgment.
I continue to prepare for my journey, waiting for you each to catch up.
I feel you watching my body diminish in size to thin, thinner, to bone.
Please don't cry.
What you can't see is I am increasing in strength, in power, in joy, in love.
I wish that you could see and feel with me.
I am only learning myself.
I am still as connected to you as always, but to you, I feel disconnected.
I appear to be "in and out.
" Now you see me, now you don't.
I am in and out.
I am learning the ropes of living minus my worn out body.
This is a little like the time we went to Europe.
We were all packing and unpacking, doing out best to be prepared for any emergency.
Finally we left together, trusting that we would arrive in one piece and would have the time of our lives.
We did.
Only this time I fly without my "life" and appear to be leaving you behind, which I see is not true unless I wish it.
Of course I don't.
I am moving into the gap, the void that we sometimes drop into in our meditation.
I have to trust that all is well, because it is.
I am simply waiting, giving you, my precious children as well as me, time to adjust.
"They" are all waiting for me.
Hands outstretched.
More come daily from my "past" and "future" to assure me that I am supported and to welcome me home.
It's been "years" since we've all been together.
I see you all as my inner circle of family many times, although we seem to like to change parts and personalities.
We all switch roles from Mother, Father, sister, brother, friend and enemy.
Can you see that we are all engaging, again and again? We are living our lives concurrently, all of our lives together.
We are on the stage of life.
We change sets.
We change scenes.
We change parts.
We continue.
Some performances might be applauded as successful.
Some not so much.
You, my loves, my heart of hearts, have graced my life, this life.
I only hope I have done the same for you.
You are my most precious gift to the world.
I love you through every lifetime together, "in sickness and in health.
"